First Steps

Why does it seem that first steps are always the most difficult? I assume it is just the continual apprehension and questioning of "where am I going?" I keep reminding myself that I am moving and that is the most important part. Yet, it seems that I am carrying a heavy load and that is impedding my progress. Each step requires great effort.

It is time to put down some of the baggage that I seem to want to lug around with me. However, the baggage that I carry cannot be seen. It is like I am hauling around an invisible 50lb backpack. So the question is "what am I carrying?" and the only way to know, is to open up the backpack and peek inside to determine what is and is not needed.

As I unzip the backpack, there are literally hundreds of things that spill out. People, events, experiences are all jammed into this rather small container. Just like cleaning a closet, I must look at each item and ask some very important questions.

1. Is this past person/event/memory relevant to my life now? Why am I carrying it with me? Am I using it as a justification or excuse to be a victim? Does it really matter that when I was a kid someone made fun of me? Why am I holding on to "percieved" failures? Why am I lugging around an old boyfriend who I have not seen nor spoken to in over 20 years? Why does that thing that someone said in the past continue to have power over me now?
2. If I feel it is "relevant" - how am I using it now? Am I using the power and experience of the situation? Or am I using it as a "label" of identification? Do I want to wear this label? Does it represent who I am now or who I want to be? Remembering that the experience made me who I am today- does not mean that I need to continue to "be" the person who experienced it.
3. Are the people to whom I associate now enhancing my life experience or are they holding me back? Do they encourage me? Do I encourage them? Is our shared time together negative in nature?
4. What about my habits and behaviors? Am I a good friend? Do I do things for others with an open or loving heart or do I expect something in return? Am I honest or just say things that I know people want to hear? Do I agree with others merely out of a desire for acceptance or do I stand by my convictions?
4. What about all these ugly thoughts in this bag? Do I really need the anger, jealousy, resentment, anxiety and judgements?
5. Are these "things" real? Or are they just spectors/ghost from the past? Are the fears I carry real or figments of my imagination?

During this process I realize that most of what I carry with me, is utterly useless. Of course, there are things that are important to remember. However, I can remember the experience or lesson learned without bearing the weight of the entire situation. For example, I seem to have gotten involved with many people who were not a good match for me. Many of my past associations ended with negative feelings and a sense of betrayal. I can use the experience and be more careful about whom I choose to share my time, money, energy, and creativity with- but I do not have to haul the person and all the memories along on my journey.

I also realize that I must take time every so often and re-evaluate what I am taking along. For as I grow and move forward I will accumulate more events, experiences, memories and relationships. In order to keep my load light- I must take a look every so often so I do not end up with 50lbs. of garbage again. I also must be vigilant against the temptation to pick up the discarded items.

My "invisible" backpack is still there- it feels a little bit lighter. I know that there are still things that need to be unloaded- yet, I feel good that I have lightened my load just a bit. I am beginning to get excited about this new journey and cannot wait to see what lies down the path ahead of me.

I already have recieved a sign that I am on the right path. This morning while sitting on my porch drinking coffee, one of my neighbors walked by- she seldoms talks to me but today she did. She asked how I was and I asked her the same question- she replied "well, it is not always easy- but I have to keep keeping on- nothing can keep me down". I took that as a personal message for me and in turn, for you- keep keeping on.......